Ayesha, the Return of She Read online

  CHAPTER I

  THE DOUBLE SIGN

  Hard on twenty years have gone by since that night of Leo's vision--themost awful years, perhaps, which were ever endured by men--twenty yearsof search and hardship ending in soul-shaking wonder and amazement.

  My death is very near to me, and of this I am glad, for I desire topursue the quest in other realms, as it has been promised to me that Ishall do. I desire to learn the beginning and the end of the spiritualdrama of which it has been my strange lot to read some pages upon earth.

  I, Ludwig Horace Holly, have been very ill; they carried me, more deadthan alive, down those mountains whose lowest slopes I can see from mywindow, for I write this on the northern frontiers of India. Indeed anyother man had long since perished, but Destiny kept my breath in me,perhaps that a record might remain. I must bide here a month or twotill I am strong enough to travel homewards, for I have a fancy to diein the place where I was born. So while I have strength I will put thestory down, or at least those parts of it that are most essential, formuch can, or at any rate must, be omitted. I shrink from attempting toolong a book, though my notes and memory would furnish me with sufficientmaterial for volumes.

  I will begin with the Vision.

  After Leo Vincey and I came back from Africa in 1885, desiring solitude,which indeed we needed sorely to recover from the fearful shock we hadexperienced, and to give us time and opportunity to think, we went to anold house upon the shores of Cumberland that has belonged to my familyfor many generations. This house, unless somebody has taken it believingme to be dead, is still my property and thither I travel to die.

  Those whose eyes read the words I write, if any should ever read them,may ask--What shock?

  Well, I am Horace Holly, and my companion, my beloved friend, my son inthe spirit whom I reared from infancy was--nay, is--Leo Vincey.

  We are those men who, following an ancient clue, travelled to the Cavesof Kor in Central Africa, and there discovered her whom we sought,the immortal _She-who-must-be-obeyed_. In Leo she found her love, thatre-born Kallikrates, the Grecian priest of Isis whom some two thousandyears before she had slain in her jealous rage, thus executing on himthe judgment of the angry goddess. In her also I found the divinity whomI was doomed to worship from afar, not with the flesh, for that is alllost and gone from me, but, what is sorer still, because its burdenis undying, with the will and soul which animate a man throughout thecountless eons of his being. The flesh dies, or at least it changes, andits passions pass, but that other passion of the spirit--that longingfor oneness--is undying as itself.

  What crime have I committed that this sore punishment should be laidupon me? Yet, in truth, is it a punishment? May it not prove to bebut that black and terrible Gate which leads to the joyous palace ofRewards? She swore that I should ever be her friend and his and dwellwith them eternally, and I believe her.

  For how many winters did we wander among the icy hills and deserts!Still, at length, the Messenger came and led us to the Mountain, and onthe Mountain we found the Shrine, and in the Shrine the Spirit. May notthese things be an allegory prepared for our instruction? I will takecomfort. I will hope that it is so. Nay, I am sure that it is so.

  It will be remembered that in Kor we found the immortal woman. Therebefore the flashing rays and vapours of the Pillar of Life she declaredher mystic love, and then in our very sight was swept to a doom sohorrible that even now, after all which has been and gone, I shiver atits recollection. Yet what were Ayesha's last words? "_Forget menot . . . have pity on my shame. I die not. I shall come again and shallonce more be beautiful. I swear it--it is true._"

  Well, I cannot set out that history afresh. Moreover it is written; theman whom I trusted in the matter did not fail me, and the book he madeof it seems to be known throughout the world, for I have found it herein English, yes, and read it first translated into Hindostani. To itthen I refer the curious.

  In that house upon the desolate sea-shore of Cumberland, we dwelt ayear, mourning the lost, seeking an avenue by which it might be foundagain and discovering none. Here our strength came back to us, and Leo'shair, that had been whitened in the horror of the Caves, grew again fromgrey to golden. His beauty returned to him also, so that his face was asit had been, only purified and saddened.

  Well I remember that night--and the hour of illumination. We wereheart-broken, we were in despair. We sought signs and could find none.The dead remained dead to us and no answer came to all our crying.

  It was a sullen August evening, and after we had dined we walked uponthe shore, listening to the slow surge of the waves and watching thelightning flicker from the bosom of a distant cloud. In silence wewalked, till at last Leo groaned--it was more of a sob than a groan--andclasped my arm.

  "I can bear it no longer, Horace," he said--for so he called me now--"Iam in torment. The desire to see Ayesha once more saps my brain. Withouthope I shall go quite mad. And I am strong, I may live another fiftyyears."

  "What then can you do?" I asked.

  "I can take a short road to knowledge--or to peace," he answeredsolemnly, "I can die, and die I will--yes, tonight."

  I turned upon him angrily, for his words filled me with fear.

  "Leo, you are a coward!" I said. "Cannot you bear your part of painas--others do?"

  "You mean as you do, Horace," he answered with a dreary laugh, "for onyou also the curse lies--with less cause. Well, you are stronger than Iam, and more tough; perhaps because you have lived longer. No, I cannotbear it. I will die."

  "It is a crime," I said, "the greatest insult you can offer to thePower that made you, to cast back its gift of life as a thing outworn,contemptible and despised. A crime, I say, which will bring with itworse punishment than any you can dream; perhaps even the punishment ofeverlasting separation."

  "Does a man stretched in some torture-den commit a crime if he snatchesa knife and kills himself, Horace? Perhaps; but surely that sin shouldfind forgiveness--if torn flesh and quivering nerves may plead formercy. I am such a man, and I will use that knife and take my chance.She is dead, and in death at least I shall be nearer her."

  "Why so, Leo? For aught you know Ayesha may be living."

  "No; for then she would have given me some sign. My mind is made up, sotalk no more, or, if talk we must, let it be of other things."

  Then I pleaded with him, though with little hope, for I saw that what Ihad feared for long was come to pass. Leo was mad: shock and sorrowhad destroyed his reason. Were it not so, he, in his own way a veryreligious man, one who held, as I knew, strict opinions on such matters,would never have purposed to commit the wickedness of suicide.

  "Leo," I said, "are you so heartless that you would leave me here alone?Do you pay me thus for all my love and care, and wish to drive me to mydeath? Do so if you will, and my blood be on your head."

  "Your blood! Why your blood, Horace?"

  "Because that road is broad and two can travel it. We have lived longyears together and together endured much; I am sure that we shall not belong parted."

  Then the tables were turned and he grew afraid for me. But I onlyanswered, "If you die I tell you that I shall die also. It willcertainly kill me."

  So Leo gave way. "Well," he exclaimed suddenly, "I promise you it shallnot be to-night. Let us give life another chance."

  "Good," I answered; but I went to my bed full of fear. For I was certainthat this desire of death, having once taken hold of him, would growand grow, until at length it became too strong, and then--then I shouldwither and die who could not live on alone. In my despair I threw out mysoul towards that of her who was departed.

  "Ayesha!" I cried, "if you have any power, if in any way it ispermitted, show that you still live, and save your lover from this sinand me from a broken heart. Have pity on his sorrow and breathe hopeinto his spirit, for without hope Leo cannot live, and without him Ishall not live."

  Then, worn out, I slept.

  I was aroused by the voice of Leo speaking to me in low, excited
tonesthrough the darkness.

  "Horace," he said, "Horace, my friend, my father, listen!"

  In an instant I was wide awake, every nerve and fibre of me, for thetones of his voice told me that something had happened which bore uponour destinies.

  "Let me light a candle first," I said.

  "Never mind the candle, Horace; I would rather speak in the dark. I wentto sleep, and I dreamed the most vivid dream that ever came to me. Iseemed to stand under the vault of heaven, it was black, black, not astar shone in it, and a great loneliness possessed me. Then suddenlyhigh up in the vault, miles and miles away, I saw a little light andthought that a planet had appeared to keep me company. The light beganto descend slowly, like a floating flake of fire. Down it sank, and downand down, till it was but just above me, and I perceived that it wasshaped like a tongue or fan of flame. At the height of my head from theground it stopped and stood steady, and by its ghostly radiance I sawthat beneath was the shape of a woman and that the flame burned upon herforehead. The radiance gathered strength and now I saw the woman.

  "Horace, it was Ayesha herself, her eyes, her lovely face, her cloudyhair, and she looked at me sadly, reproachfully, I thought, as one mightwho says, 'Why did you doubt?'

  "I tried to speak to her but my lips were dumb. I tried to advance andto embrace her, my arms would not move. There was a barrier between us.She lifted her hand and beckoned as though bidding me to follow her.

  "Then she glided away, and, Horace, my spirit seemed to loose itselffrom the body and to be given the power to follow. We passed swiftlyeastward, over lands and seas, and--I knew the road. At one pointshe paused and I looked downwards. Beneath, shining in the moonlight,appeared the ruined palaces of Kor, and there not far away was the gulfwe trod together.

  "Onward above the marshes, and now we stood upon the Ethiopian's Head,and gathered round, watching us earnestly, were the faces of the Arabs,our companions who drowned in the sea beneath. Job was among them also,and he smiled at me sadly and shook his head, as though he wished toaccompany us and could not.

  "Across the sea again, across the sandy deserts, across more sea, andthe shores of India lay beneath us. Then northward, ever northward,above the plains, till we reached a place of mountains capped witheternal snow. We passed them and stayed for an instant above a buildingset upon the brow of a plateau. It was a monastery, for old monks dronedprayers upon its terrace. I shall know it again, for it is built in theshape of a half-moon and in front of it sits the gigantic, ruined statueof a god who gazes everlastingly across the desert. I knew, how I cannotsay, that now we were far past the furthest borders of Thibet and thatin front of us lay untrodden lands. More mountains stretched beyond thatdesert, a sea of snowy peaks, hundreds and hundreds of them.

  "Near to the monastery, jutting out into the plain like some rockyheadland, rose a solitary hill, higher than all behind. We stood uponits snowy crest and waited, till presently, above the mountains and thedesert at our feet shot a sudden beam of light that beat upon us likesome signal flashed across the sea. On we went, floating down thebeam--on over the desert and the mountains, across a great flat landbeyond, in which were many villages and a city on a mound, till we litupon a towering peak. Then I saw that this peak was loop-shaped like thesymbol of Life of the Egyptians--the _crux-ansata_--and supported bya lava stem hundreds of feet in height. Also I saw that the fire whichshone through it rose from the crater of a volcano beyond. Upon the verycrest of this loop we rested a while, till the Shadow of Ayesha pointeddownward with its hand, smiled and vanished. Then I awoke.

  "Horace, I tell you that the sign has come to us."

  His voice died away in the darkness, but I sat still, brooding over whatI had heard. Leo groped his way to me and, seizing my arm, shook it.

  "Are you asleep?" he asked angrily. "Speak, man, speak!"

  "No," I answered, "never was I more awake. Give me time."

  Then I rose, and going to the open window, drew up the blind and stoodthere staring at the sky, which grew pearl-hued with the first fainttinge of dawn. Leo came also and leant upon the window-sill, and I couldfeel that his body was trembling as though with cold. Clearly he wasmuch moved.

  "You talk of a sign," I said to him, "but in your sign I see nothing buta wild dream."

  "It was no dream," he broke in fiercely; "it was a vision."

  "A vision then if you will, but there are visions true and false, andhow can we know that this is true? Listen, Leo. What is there in allthat wonderful tale which could not have been fashioned in your ownbrain, distraught as it is almost to madness with your sorrow and yourlongings? You dreamed that you were alone in the vast universe. Well, isnot every living creature thus alone? You dreamed that the shadowy shapeof Ayesha came to you. Has it ever left your side? You dreamed that sheled you over sea and land, past places haunted by your memory, above themysterious mountains of the Unknown to an undiscovered peak. Does shenot thus lead you through life to that peak which lies beyond the Gatesof Death? You dreamed----"

  "Oh! no more of it," he exclaimed. "What I saw, I saw, and that I shallfollow. Think as you will, Horace, and do what you will. To-morrow Istart for India, with you if you choose to come; if not, without you."

  "You speak roughly, Leo," I said. "You forget that _I_ have had no sign,and that the nightmare of a man so near to insanity that but a few hoursago he was determined upon suicide, will be a poor staff to lean on whenwe are perishing in the snows of Central Asia. A mixed vision, this ofyours, Leo, with its mountain peak shaped like a _crux-ansata_ and therest. Do you suggest that Ayesha is re-incarnated in Central Asia--as afemale Grand Lama or something of that sort?"

  "I never thought of it, but why not?" asked Leo quietly. "Do youremember a certain scene in the Caves of Kor yonder, when the livinglooked upon the dead, and dead and living were the same? And do youremember what Ayesha swore, that she would come again--yes, to thisworld; and how could that be except by re-birth, or, what is the samething, by the transmigration of the spirit?"

  I did not answer this argument. I was struggling with myself.

  "No sign has come to me," I said, "and yet I have had a part in theplay, humble enough, I admit, and I believe that I have still a part."

  "No," he said, "no sign has come to you. I wish that it had. Oh! how Iwish you could be convinced as I am, Horace!"

  Then we were silent for a long while, silent, with our eyes fixed uponthe sky.

  It was a stormy dawn. Clouds in fantastic masses hung upon the ocean.One of them was like a great mountain, and we watched it idly. Itchanged its shape, the crest of it grew hollow like a crater. From thiscrater sprang a projecting cloud, a rough pillar with a knob or lumpresting on its top. Suddenly the rays of the risen sun struck upon thismountain and the column and they turned white like snow. Then as thoughmelted by those fiery arrows, the centre of the excrescence above thepillar thinned out and vanished, leaving an enormous loop of inky cloud.

  "Look," said Leo in a low, frightened voice, "that is the shape of themountain which I saw in my vision. There upon it is the black loop, andthere through it shines the fire. _It would seem that the sign is forboth of us, Horace._"

  I looked and looked again till presently the vast loop vanished into theblue of heaven. Then I turned and said--"I will come with you to CentralAsia, Leo."